Limbo Land

Surprisingly, or not I suppose, it was quite hard to settle back into daily life after the PB course. Coming out into the big wide world was actually quite a shock and all felt a bit harsh after the calm, healing environment I had become used to. Everything felt very busy, hectic and noisy - to the point that I almost turned around the other way this time and headed straight back to the centre for another couple of nights. How funny for a girl who was scared of going in the first place. That said, I was so happy to see the family and Sarah had so kindly let herself in, got the kids all ready for bed and cooked a lovely supper waiting for Wayne and me. Mmmm, bliss. I had a deliciously cute welcome from little Lila and Tilly, proving that it can be a positive thing to be missed by the children – definitely feel more appreciated afterwards.

Needless to say, there was a bit of a crash down the following day, which actually felt ok – I think I almost expected it. I’d had such a good run of positive days and feeling fitter that it was bound to happen, right? Lots of tears, feeling foggy and frightened again and constant pondering of what lies in store for me. Luckily it’s passed, though, and I’m armed with strategies to help me through tough times. I managed a bit of relaxation and even managed a meditation. How long that will last, I’m not quite sure. All the coping strategies I have learnt at PB are placed in a shopping bag in my mind and I will bring them out, one at a time, try them, choosing the right time for each - some now, some possibly not until much further down the line. Otherwise I know what I’m like – I rush into trying everything and then get frustrated as it doesn’t help or I can’t focus etc.

So, here we are, waiting for the next chapter. Waiting to sign my life away, waiting to receive unpronounceable drugs, waiting to kiss goodbye to my hair… yep, waiting for the dreaded chemotherapy. I think I just assumed because of the speed at which things have moved since the diagnosis - being swept off your feet and tossed into the air like a swirling leaf in the wind - and the severity of C, that treatment would move at the same speed and must be fairly urgent. But no, it doesn’t appear to be the case. Apparently, it’s not as urgent as we think – plus, they want to give you time for the wound to heal. Not forgetting there’s a cancer queue in Swindon, which I’m sure adds to the wait. Ok, so I understand the importance of the wound, however, do they not understand this just gives you more time to build up fears and unimaginable thoughts to turn you into a complete basket case by the time it actually comes around, ha?! Seriously though, my mood and well-being is picking up, I’m feeling stronger and generally happier and have more ‘normal’ days now, more better days than bad. I’m still very preoccupied but longer periods of time without thinking of C. A big HOOray to that.

So, what’s a girl to do whilst she’s waiting for chemo? Well, the true answer is: I’m not really too sure but since checking out of PB, I’ve gone for the busy, busy, busy option (surprise surprise, I hear friends say!). Well, why not make the most of not working and fill my time with lovely things, right? Plus, I’m very conscious that this is my month and, come July, I’ll be out of action for a good few months - or at least not quite as sociable I expect. So, I’ve thrown myself back into the day-to-day school runs, Lila time, catching up with friends, gardening – yes, we now have beetroot, peas, french beans, carrots, celery and sweet corn (bloody miracle to be honest!) and, of course, potatoes – house jobs, and so it goes on……BUT, as a result, I’m exhausted! I’ve got that ‘wading through treacle’ feeling that you get in the first few weeks of pregnancy again. Perhaps because my body is still trying to heal this wound or because I went from not doing too much to suddenly full on days again with the two little munchkins? Either way, it’s a struggle to get through the day without a micro nap (which isn’t happening!) so I may have to rethink the next couple of weeks so that I don’t fall in the door of the hospital and look forward to chemo for some sleep time! I’m my own worst nightmare, I know. Quieter week this week methinks...

Meanwhile, I’m back in the kitchen, attempting to cook and irritating Wayne. I made my first quinoa recipe yesterday – mackerel, apple, pepper and quinoa salad. Well, I’m not sure it’s worth shouting from the rooftops about, but it’s a welcome alternative to cous cous, rice etc. We are making slow changes in the house, introducing new foods and generally being a lot more mindful about what we are eating. Tonight’s supper – sea bass on a bed of stir fried veg and bok choi (with oodles of chilli and ginger) and noodles with Tamari sauce (delicious alternative to soy sauce). Most importantly, I’m trying to cut out refined sugar products so, for example, I now have ‘no added sugar’ strawberry jam (tasted at the PB centre) – which, incidentally, is delicious.  But, the trouble is (eek), I never really ate much jam in the first place and now I’m at risk of thinking it’s got ‘no added sugar’ so yeehaa, let’s eat loads of jam…. Then you’re worse off than when you started! I can see this as being a problem - keen to try substitutes for naughty foods and then eating way more than you did in the first place, ha! I’m cutting out processed foods too – in fact, I successfully made Tilly a salami sandwich for her lunch box and resisted the temptation to devour the whole packet in 0.5 seconds. Yes! I’m working on the green tea – managing about 3 cups a day, plus usual Roibush, plus water etc.  But really, any Mums out there will tell you that you barely have time to go to the loo once in a day with children let alone time after time with this amount of fluids! I feel like I’m in the bathroom all day! Still, I’m guessing I should be a little healthier after all this awful experience. Must be a C silver lining, right? I’m exercising too. Regular power walks, hoping to break into a run as soon as wound gives me the go ahead.

Annoyingly, tears are still plentiful. Mainly due to still receiving cards on a daily basis - cards from family, friends, friends of friends, colleagues - and each and every one of them makes me sad. Well, firstly happy to receive something in the post and then sad. Sad because people’s words are so beautiful and it hits me right in the heart, sad because I’m hearing from people under these circumstances and sad because I’m touched by everyone’s compassion, care and love. What will I do when the cards stop?? Maybe I’ll write them to myself, ha! C has put me back in touch with some dear friends again, friends who drifted away for no particular reason other than the hectic way of life once children arrive. So, another C silver lining appears. To be honest, I’ve still not had the chance to tell all our friends yet. It’s not that I don’t want to – it’s just that there doesn’t seem to be the right time to break this kind of news. So, the story is still rolling so to speak.

My wound is doing ok but still falling at the last hurdle. Frustratingly, it just seems to be struggling to completely stitch up. Grrrr. However, at least no major setbacks - although it’s scary how scarred my mind is from the traumatic days of leaking fluids. I sometimes feel trickling from the wound and take a frightened peak only to find that it’s dry as a bone. My mind just playing nasty tricks. Night.Mare! I’m working on positive thoughts towards the treatment, although still feel very angry that I have to do it. I haven’t quite come to terms with losing my headlocks, eyebrows and eyelashes yet but have decided it’s quite alright for my leg and underarm hair to fall out. It would do me a favour in fact. SO, for that reason peeps……let’s get this show on the road...(and for goodness sake, wound, will you heal – otherwise, we’ll be put to the back of the queue!) So, next stop….appointment on 25th June with the Oncologist.

P.s Don’t worry guys and gals, it’s not all health freakish in this house – had a visit yesterday from Mr Hotel Chocolat himself, Dazzler, and was presented with a box of the scrummiest chocs… and successfully lost all mindfulness, almost eating the whole lot! Small steps, right?!

Today we fight.
Tomorrow we fight.
The day after, we fight.