Tea and cake? No chance!

Penny Brohn part 2 – Tues 4th June.

So, I decided to push myself out of my comfort zone – although, what am I talking about? This damn C has you permanently out of your comfort zone! I was keen to carry out the beginner residential course at PB (“Living Well with the Impact of Cancer”) but, when they mentioned they had an unexpected space this week, I wobbled a bit.  Still, before I knew it, the word ‘YES’ came out of my mouth and I was signed up, just like that. I thought it would be insightful to complete this before treatment and, with a bit of persuasion from family and friends, I was back on the road again – and, yet again, saying goodbye to the children only two nights after arriving back from Cornwall. This time, I also said goodbye to my husband – just me, myself and I on this trip. My teammate is staying put and keeping the ship afloat while I’m away. Tilly was actually fairly complacent – “Oh, that’s ok Mummy, Mrs Troughton (her teacher) goes on courses too.” Phew. But it was hard to say goodbye to Lila again – I feel like I’m missing out on her cuteness at the moment. She is growing up so fast and changing so much each day. Waving goodbye to her and Wayne, I fight back the tears, determined not to worry about my little tribe (after all, they are with their number one Daddy who is more than capable of holding his own) and remember the reason I am doing this - to get stronger so that I can be a fully-fledged member of the Clarke team again.

I had a little video of Lila waving goodbye to post here but can't seem to get it to work so a little pic for you...

Other reasons I decided to attend this course:
·           To explore the art of meditation.
·           To try and understand and learn more about emotions linked to C.
·           Time to myself......to think!
·           To gain some strength, knowledge and strategies for treatment.
·           To hear other people’s stories.
·           To learn more about nutrition.
·           To re-connect and tune in with myself spiritually, physically and emotionally.
·           To explore the art of relaxation – practically impossible for me!
·           To learn to live in the moment, without my mind racing and fluttering from day to day, chore to chore and errand to errand.
·           To learn to control stress and be able to focus on life again.

“Living Well with the Impact of Cancer – This introductory course provides you with a tool kit of tried and tested techniques that can help you support your physical, emotional and spiritual health” PB.

Driving down the motorway to Bristol, I so nearly turn around on a couple of occasions. Thoughts swirling around: this is silly; I don’t need to do this; why am I doing this? I was also nervous about what lay in store, especially not knowing what sort of people would be in the group. That fear of groups and group work!  Must stem from school! SO, what do I do? In need of some comfort, I stop for a quick spot of retail therapy on the way. Well, Cribs Causeway was just calling out as I passed!  Bang - £*** gone! Yikes, that wasn’t meant to happen. How can a trip to PB be so expensive? Oh lord, that’s it now, I’ve blown it - hubby will never allow me to go again ha! I was SO tempted to stock up on wine, chocolate and naughty foods but I had to restrain myself. Partly because I want to do this properly and give my all to the centre, but mainly because a little part of me thought “what if they actually check your bags, frisk you, scan you, or – worse - you have to walk through a ‘naughty foods detector’ lol! What I did come out with, though, was four different bottles of shampoo and conditioner ffs. Is there any need for that? After all, I won’t be needing a damn drop of the stuff in a month or so. I wasn’t even hugely aware of my purchases (mindfulness at its greatest!) - just drawn to that aisle and, secretly, always on the look-out for the ‘perfect shampoo’, I went a little overboard. Must be a subconscious two fingers to C – and, hey, I can look forward to clean hair when it does decide to regrow! In the meantime, just try and take my squeaky clean, sparkling hair, you hideous disease you!

So, shopping out the way, shampoo in hand, still feeling apprehensive, anxious and a tad curious, I arrive at the centre to be shown to my room and settled in. Such a warm welcome - I literally felt wrapped in cotton wool almost straightaway. Ahhhhhhh. Then an absolutely delicious, nutritious dinner with ‘our group’ – twelve of us, including two husbands - followed by a guided relaxation and a cup of sleepy tea (or donkey piss, as Dad would call it!). Everything in place for a peaceful, undisturbed night’s sleep you would think – but, to my irritation, it didn’t happen. I awoke at 3.30am and struggled to go back to slumberland. My mind was too busy, almost excited. Excited about having this adventure on my own. Grrrrrr, too excited to sleep? How can that possibly be, in a cancer centre?

Bleary eyed, I surfaced the next day before breakfast for ‘mindful movement’. And it was well worth it too. I learnt some wonderful stretches and a mindful body scan, described as a way to get in touch with your body. The aim is to allow yourself to experience how different regions of your body feel, notice it and let it go. The session ended with a Qigong body tapping exercise – to get the ‘chi’ and blood flow to all the organs and extremities. I’m converted, felt quite exhilarated afterwards; ready to take on the world! We followed this with a scrummy breakfast – a feast. Think I managed to eat more than if I were on holiday… Eeek!

A relaxation followed this (I know, straight after breakfast, a struggle to keep my eyes open!).

The rest of the day concentrated on the two components of the “Whole Person Model” - physical and spiritual health.

Physical Health:
Nutrition – more fascinating, mind boggling information to help us learn how to heal our bodies. There are various studies that report some people have improved disease progression and secondary recurrences by dietary changes. (Sorry, at this time I don’t have references as I managed to leave all my notes at PB – C brain!). If anything, I can surely see that C is going to make me healthier and more aware of the foods I eat. Not a bad thing really and already happening – but, can I just make this clear… my diet was really not that bad in the first place (although my Mum may disagree!). Ok, so we drink wine and eat white rice and pasta, chocolate, cake, salami (yep, love salami!)… but, on the flip side, I eat a tonne of vegetables (yes broccoli is on that list!), fruit, fish… ok, could up the fish and could also up the whole foods, but I know people with far worse diets! However, onwards for me and there are changes to be made, starting with upping my green tea consumption - discussed today. I read that it has been researched and, according to Japanese studies, to gain the anti-cancer properties in green tea, our daily consumption should be five cups (Anti Cancer – Dr David Servan-Schreiber). A work in progress…..I naively thought one cup a day would do the job!

At the mid-morning break, we were offered a juice. A lurid, green juice – that smelt as pungent as it looked. It was a ‘hold the nose and down the hatch’ job for me as I’m not very good with raw fennel - it’s the liquorice taste, I think. It sent a real shiver down the spine but I convinced myself it must be healthy… eugh.

Spiritual Health:
So, C has certainly knocked my sense of certainty and questioned my beliefs - therefore, I’m very open to all suggestions here, please….
We explore:
More mindfulness - eating, talking, listening.
Practicing ‘What do I want’, not ‘what should I do’.
Controlling negative influences.
Connecting with one’s true self and recharging the spirit with Meditation (focusing on breathing) – the idea is this has huge benefits to our immune systems. LOVED this! More please!

Surely at mid-afternoon break, it would be cake? I started daydreaming about the prospect but, no – we were served a big bowl of guacamole and rice/oat cakes. Don’t get me wrong, it was absolutely delicious and enough garlic to keep any vampire away that night, but I was seriously craving some sweetness at this point. So, my plan was to buy some ‘healthy’ chocolate from their shop. But, to my huge disappointment, the shop was closed (lack of volunteers for the day). Oh no. Desperate for a sugar rush (or as close as!), I snuck off to my room and rummaged frantically in my handbag, hurling out nappy cream, teething toy, nappy bags, lip salve, snack pot and so much more crap and then……right at the bottom……I found an old chocolate Santa lolly left over from Christmas. Gone, in a flash! For the first time in my life, I LOVE my mummy handbag and all its annoying contents!

The first day closed with some practical advice about finances – always welcome!

The evening was chilled – a meal and some time to myself, walking in their beautiful gardens, writing and reading. After the first day my mind felt clearer, I felt some focus developing and had a few strategies to take me forward. I was looking forward to the next day.

The meadow in the PB gardens

Luckily, the night had a little less turbulence – a spot of fan therapy to drown out the silence. You know when silence is really loud? Ridiculous, I know. I’d gone there for peace and quiet but it was just a little too quiet for me! And a little too hot! So, a hypnotic fan helped me to drift off….zzzzzzzz.

The second day was based around the other components of the whole person model:

Emotional and Psychological health.
These areas helped me understand how much I am still reeling after the shock, fear, anger and sadness of the initial diagnosis, surgery and ludicrous amount of decisions you are faced with on this journey. Such a huge impact on your mind, body, stress levels and immune system. Lots of talk on developing a low stress lifestyle, looking at what causes stress etc. (and trying not to get stressed about being stressed ha!) -
“It’s not about feeling better, it’s about getting better at feeling”.
Also, the impact of cancer on relationships - some people’s stories were just too much. Heart wrenching. Positive stories too though and I certainly had some to add to this. C has kindly highlighted to me what amazing, strong and loving family and friends I have (although didn't really need your help with this one C!).
We also explored our feelings around a sense of loss for our before C lives. Very hard and emotional and again made me realise just how much I want my old life back! - lots of discussion about getting back in control of our lives.

During the day I made it to the shop and purchased myself some chocolate – no added sugar, made with xylitol, dairy free. Mmmm,  it was ok, but by no means a chocolate substitute! More than one piece is too much! And, you’ll be glad to hear……..we got cake. Yey! Albeit a healthy one - in fact, not really a cake as we know it, but a taste of my future!

The day closed with an imagery journey and a mindful walk in their most stunning gardens. Very special, tranquil and nourishing for the soul. At the end of the course I was so, so glad I hadn’t turned around on the journey to PB. I feel truly enlightened and, yet again, have met some very special people with inspirational stories. It was a moving, memorable and fascinating experience that has armed me with lots of strategies to help climb my mountain and build my shield to fight this sickening disease. I’m starting to see C as a job - lord knows, I’m as busy as I would be at work with all the appointments etc. Being a C fighter has many different components and the main one I’m focusing on right now is taking good care of myself. It’s a huge, emotional and psychological journey and this course is helping me learn to be true to that and acknowledge the journey so far.