Neeps and Tatties

Saturday 18th May

Against all odds and an absolutely hideous journey (would like this memory to fade please) – 4am start, Lila vomiting in the night and providing 2 unspeakable nappies on the journey, requiring a full change of clothing (anyone travelled Easyjet with children knows this is NOT easy!), Tilly being sick on landing (great, taking after Mummy with airsickness) – WE MADE IT TO SCOTLAND. Hip hip. Seriously, what the hell was I thinking booking early morning flights? There was some rationale behind my thoughts – something to do with having a day in Edinburgh, which obviously wasn't practical anymore! Never, ever again.

So, just to set the scene, Scotland was a BC (before cancer - not children ha!) arranged holiday with some wonderful friends: the lovely Joynson family, Anna, Lee, Ed and Sal. We had been so excited about this for a long time (even though we had to do the walk of shame to the headmistresses office to get permission to take Tilly out of school - naughty naughty!), especially Wayne. He has a deep love of Scotland, despite only being there once which resulted in a wedding proposal at the top of the Cairngorms. A truly special memory and  at this time he fell in love with the scenery, countryside and space. Jane and Jed had rented a house – Balbegno Castle -  in Kincardineshire for us all so special times were ahead. Then C dared to come along and spoilt everything! However, despite not wanting to go at the time of diagnosis, I soon realised this was so important for Wayne and Tilly, who was equally excited, and would be beneficial for us all to have a change of scenery and time with close friends. As my sister said – “I’m going to drive you to the airport if it means you get on that flight.” I’m just hugely sad that C had to come along and I was not in full health to enjoy the splendor of Balbegno and surrounding areas. Equally though, so grateful for the experience.

Balbegno in all its glory.

To be honest, I can’t really tell you much about the first couple of days of the holiday except that the house was absolutely beautiful and we managed a lovely day at St Cyrus beach. Miles of beautiful sand, driftwood, birds and beautiful backdrops and hardly a soul to be seen.

Other than that, it’s a bit of a blur. On arrival I felt like a casualty of sorts. The events of the week had drained every ounce of life from me and I was beginning to sink. Added to this, Lila decided not to sleep for first two nights - ffs. In hindsight, I think it was the closest I've ever come to some sort of breakdown, physically and emotionally – seriously delirious and, for the first time, officially broken by C! The sheer exhaustion was a huge part to play. Luckily, the cavalry took over and I was able to rest. It was a hard decision as I hate missing out on things, especially on holiday, but I knew if I was going to regain my strength it was vital. So, by about Wednesday, I had been brought back from brinks of despair and was feeling a little stronger and able to re-start the holiday. Meanwhile, the troops had had a ball visiting castles, villages and having delicious lunches! Now it was time to send Wayne off for a bit of respite. First to the highlands with Jed for a wilderness climb, then to the local Fettercairn distillery = happy husband. Hooray.

The rest of the week went a little like this:

Beautiful morning walks with Lila into the local village of Fettercairn on a paper run, skylarks singing along side as the rape flowers blew in the wind. So lucky with the weather, the odd shower (and snow for those in the mountains) but, all in all, sunny and fresh.

A fab evening out in the local pub.
Hilarious game of bird bingo – yey to Sal and I for winning.
And many fun evening meals, thanks to Sal who cooked for us nearly every night, chatter natters, Guy’s guitar, and lovely roaring fires.

But, most importantly to me……(to the tune of twelve days of Christmas) On the fourth day in Scotland my war wound said to me…………..I’m going to stop leaking and give you a break. Hooray, hoorah. The relief was enormous, although I was a little anxious it was going to start again. I even managed my first shower (had been managing with shallow baths) since the op and a proper hair wash. Simple things, you see, but an unbelievable step to boost morale. Do I dare decide to finally take the dressings off? I plucked up the courage and decided this was a good time to examine both wounds, shape of boob and see what the damage is. Surprisingly pleased with the lump and tissue removal wound, although quite shocked at the size. The surgeon’s have been very neat though and there doesn’t seem to be any disfiguration. Hey, in the grand scheme of things at least I’ve still got it (so enormously grateful)………….at this point. The lymph removal wound is a little more, shall I say, gory. Right up in the armpit, the stitches seem to be ok but the wound is still gaping slightly. It appears to be trying to heal though. For some reason this wound makes me feel squeamish and I don’t particularly like looking at it. However, I manage to take the dressing off and get some air to it for the day. I’m still struggling to lift my arm somewhat but carrying out my exercises religiously to keep from stiffening. Feeling more confident, I tried to reduce the pain relief at this point but it became a little too much as the real feeling came back to my arm, which was not pleasant. The numbness from shoulder blade to elbow is troubling and the whole arm seems to be hypersensitive to touch, temperature etc so I decide to carry on with them for a few more days. Sigh.

In the end, despite the odds being stacked against us, we all managed to have a wonderful time and I’m so pleased that we made it. I’m so grateful to everyone for helping us and making the holiday possible, Jed for the C chats, Jane for being the fairy godmother, Sal and Anna for all your help with the children – Lila certainly got to know her godmothers during this time - Guy and Lee for being themselves and the most chilled out people I know, and Eddy for being Tilly’s special playmate. Team Balbegno! When can we go back?

http://www.pedlars.co.uk/balbegno_castle/

The Great Hall

Princess Lila

C whisper: One of the side effects of lymph node surgery is Lymphoedema. This is the build-up of fluid in the soft tissue causing swelling in the arm and fingers. Believe you me, when they give you all the information about this before surgery it seriously frightens the life out of you. I am at risk for life and, if you do unfortunately get it, it lasts for life. Scared! They give you an overwhelmingly long list of things to carry out as prevention, mainly reducing the risk of infection to your ‘at risk’ arm as well as exercise, avoiding sunburn, and avoiding deep tissue massage………. One of the things they advise is to avoid using a razor for underarm hair removal – an electric razor is safest. So, my point is, if you know you are having this surgery, perhaps it would be a good idea to think about this in advance. I was not quite organised enough to do anything about it! Also, the area is completely numb so waxing would be ideal – no pain at all – but that’s also not advised due to damage to the skin. Perhaps I’ll just wait for the chemo to kick in – chemo benefits ha! Something else that has been invaluable – simple things again - are wet wipes, especially lavender scented ones hehe. Thanks Mum. So handy for underarm washes whilst you can’t soak in bath/shower. Oh, it’s all so pleasant isn’t it! What has happened to my life? I never dreamed I’d be writing about underarm hair and personal hygiene!