Alive alive O

Skiddly bop bop - In the words of Neil Diamond ‘I’m Alive’! For the first couple of days, I wasn't too sure but I’m in week 3 now and pretty much back to my old self. Apologies for the silence but, to be honest, it’s been hard to think about C world at all which I guess involves the blog. For some reason, my fingers have not wanted to dance over the keyboard - in fact, they’ve run the other way.  I think I may of experienced blogger’s block!  That is, until today…….

So, back to the nitty gritty of it….Chemo and life after – it went a little like this:

Day 1 – Nervously and tearfully spent the day in hospital being pumped – literally – with anti-sickness and Chemotherapy (three different types, one which was a shocking red colour, enough to make you want to barf instantly!). However, I guess if I’m honest, it wasn’t as bad as I’d thought it would be - quite a jolly atmosphere on the large ward, patients in the big comfy reclining armchairs with buddies on hard chairs! I tried to watch a movie but not very successfully – everyone was too chatty and noisy. A real mixture of people, mainly older ladies that always give you the wink. The wink of ‘you’re gonna be just fine love’. Quite touching. And a younger lady next to me. I was grateful to meet someone my own age, or so I thought… Until she did not stop talking at me for some time. I wasn’t really in the mood for it. However, once they got started, time flew past, in fact scarily fast. How to while away a day, hey. Wayne stayed with me throughout, except when I insisted he went for a stretch of the legs. I was so grateful for his humour and his ability to talk to anyone about anything, and for his listening skills when it came to Miss Chatterbox next door – while I zoned out! On his birthday too. At the same time, the nurses were great - very kind, very empathetic, just what I had prayed for on this day of all days.

We finally left the hospital at 3ish, despite having to stay behind a little longer than we’d have liked due to my blood pressure falling into my boots and deterioration of vision. Yikes. All ok though and I felt so proud walking out feeling A OK. Quite frankly, you have no idea what state you’ll be in by the time it’s over. I honestly thought there was a chance I’d be stretchered out of there! So when my legs got up to walk I felt quite ecstatic and was chauffeured home by hero hubby to be welcomed by Granny and Tilly who had organised a birthday tea for him. We all managed to celebrate briefly. Then, out of nowhere I literally felt the colour drain from me. In fact, I could feel it running down to my legs and out of my toes! According to Mum, I was white as a sheet. I crawled upstairs and managed to lie on the bedroom floor hugging a bucket. G D sickness like I’ve never known it. DESPITE four different anti-sickness drugs (including American wonder drug!). I wasn’t actually sick – wish I could have been as it might have helped – but had this gut wrenching and intense feeling of nausea. Like motion sickness, if I kept my eyes closed and didn’t move I could control it… just. The minute I moved, it started again – with a vengeance. Luckily, somehow, I passed into a sleep like state for most of the night.

Day 2 – A day of the same feelings and I can’t tell you much about it really as it’s all a blur. Not able to eat and trying to keep fluids going down PLUS it was one of the hottest days of the year. It went something like: bed, fan, drink, bed, fan, drink! And my voice decided to pack up – sort of a 60-a-day gravelly sound.

Day 3 – Phew, an improvement – such a help mentally to start feeling a little better each day. Made it up and about: sofa, fan, bed! Unfortunately, the steroids kicked in, though, and I’m unable to sleep in the early hours – awake from about 2-6am. Seriously, too distressing AND therefore deliriously tired in the following days, which led to cat-like behaviour really - napping all the time!

Day 4 – England gets hotter! I’m sure it didn’t help with the recovery – seem to spend the day trying to find coolest spots in house! Really don’t want to complain though as it’s just so beautiful to have a summer! Appetite slowly increasing but feeling shakey and wobbly and, annoyingly, still nocturnal. Emergency Manuka honey on board to try and restore voice box.....

Day 5 – Managed the school run with Wayne to hold onto as balance a little squiffy to say the least. I’m feeling like my feet want to go the opposite way to my body - very un-coordinated and clumsy, bumping into things constantly. ‘No different to normal’ I hear you all cry but, trust me, it’s a lot worse! Despite this, I wanted to try to keep some normality for Tilly - and for me too.

Day 6 – Big day out thanks to chauffeur Mum – final wig trying on and purchase via M&S for emergency birthday shopping for Lila. Caught my reflection in one of their mirrors and was not impressed. Looking a little peaky! Then Lila-belle’s little birthday tea party. I am officially the proud ‘owner’ of a one year old. And boy, doesn’t she know it – run ragged is an understatement! And there’s two of us doing this job. Shouting is her new hobby… very loud – at anything and everything. However, she did decide to finally start crawling today although she’d still rather sit still, whizzing 360’s on her bottom, demanding and yelling at the top of her voice. Needless to say, Wayne is reaching for the whiskey most nights. Ber-less her! Exhausted at end of the day but happy I managed to celebrate!

My dear darling Lila entered this world on July 17th 2012

1 yrs old today

Day 7 – A huge breakthrough. Still feeling sketchy and wobbly but a marked improvement. First bike ride and puffed my way up a big hill so feeling very proud. Today was the day, during the bike ride, that I thought for the first time ‘I can do this, I can bloody well do this!’ The wind rushing past the skin on my face, exhilarating and energising. I came in, hugged Wayne and stated that team Clarke is going to get through this, one way or the other. He just looked at me and said ‘I never doubted it’. ‘Well I did’ I replied, but not anymore – I’m going to conquer this once and for all!

Week 2 – As every day goes by I start to feel more human, stronger and more coordinated! My appetite returns – with a vengeance – and I’m becoming physically stronger. What I really noticed, though, is how my brain has been affected. On top of being clumsy/uncoordinated, I’m also extremely scatty! I know everyone talks about ‘chemo brain’ but you’re not kidding……..on top of pregnancy brain too – is there any hope? One day, after Wayne found the dried pasta in the fridge and the recycling in all the wrong bins, he just looked at me and asked ‘are you ok, Nic?’ At that point I replied ‘No, I’m not sure I am’. It was all a bit of a worry really – having to concentrate hard when doing jobs and much slower at menial tasks than normal. Words were harder to express and my brain literally felt scrambled, as though it wasn’t wired properly. Luckily, my vision was improving with time, which definitely helped ease the brain malfunction.

Week 3 – Yey, almost back to myself: voice returned, no longer doing odd things, have been out for dinner a few times, lots of cycles (Lila has been broken into her bike seat) and even a couple of runs. Hip hip! There is life after chemo! Pretty bad fatigue, though, which has been consistent throughout. It’s a tough mental job to plough through the day as it would be too easy to stay in bed for most of it feeling lethargic and sleepy. Don’t get me wrong, I do feel like doing that – and still need to have the odd nap – but, generally, I’m charging up my physical stamina to drive through this precious, hectic life. Meanwhile, I’m trying but failing on the meditation/relaxation side of things. I’ve come to the conclusion that my brain is just not meant to slow down and meditate – not on my own that is. I seem to be able to relax in these groups I’ve been to but on my own it’s just not happening. Life is too busy, children too frantic, brain too buzzy – too much going on. I manage it for about 30 seconds and then bang – onto the next thing to do/plan/buy/cook/clean/write/text/play/phone/read/wash/pay/organise/fix….. yada yada! I will persevere though and perhaps take a trip back to PB for some more group sessions.

That said, it’s been a pretty restful week with only Lila on board. Thanks to Granny (again!), Tilly has been on the adventure of her lifetime this week at Marlborough college summer school, staying at Granny’s house with cousin Connie. The excitement has been huge and sleep minimal! Think Granny has just about survived their antics, ha!

We’ve managed some lovely bike rides, days out and have generally enjoyed the sunshine in the back garden. Veggies a-go-go, peas coming out of our ears and potatoes to feed the whole of Wiltshire! Not a bad turn out from very disjointed planting during op recovery.

Forest day

So right now, as we hurtle towards Thursday and dose number two, I am so grateful for my life. So grateful for my two deliciously adorable daughters and all the laughter they give me in a day.  Despite being utterly exhausted and driven to distraction at times (let’s be realistic here on the parenting front!), they give me so much hope in my life and a reason to FIGHT this daily battle with C. I am filled to the brim with love as I hear Tilly’s morning pitter patter along the landing and Lila’s morning chatter from her room (before the shouting gets going, ha!).  I am so happy to be awoken by them at this precise time in my life. Honestly, they are giving me the strength to keep some normality in our lives, get out of bed in the morning and make every effort to be the Mummy they know and love……… who is going to be there for them in their future lives.