Oncologist - Strike Two

Ultimate C low point – missing Tilly’s sports day for Oncologist appointment. Too sad. First time I’ve ever prayed for rain in my life! But it didn’t come.

Took an age to decide what to wear – seriously, for some reason you feel like putting on your Sunday best for the Oncologist, the wise Mrs O 2nd. As if they might be that little bit kinder to you if you’re dressed presentably. Anyhow, thankfully, it was a marked improvement on the first Oncologist appointment in London. Today, she was a kind, empathetic doctor who had plenty of time for me and all my questions which I’d not had the chance to ask previously. Such a relief.

Firstly a wound check - yep, we're good to go. Virtually all healed up and looking good!

Then, as predicted, I had to sign a consent form – basically, signing my life away. The risk list was that enormous.

One of the things we talked about was the steroids and anti-sickness drugs they use in conjunction with the chemo. Such a concoction - there seems to be a drug to counteract each side effect. Humph! Prior to this appointment I did some research and spoke to other people about anti-sickness drugs. It’s just not an option for me to feel sick – I don’t cope with nausea well and desperately don’t want Tilly to see me being sick. So, I heard of this anti-sickness ‘wonder drug’ from America and pleaded with 'Mrs O 2nd' for it.

‘Have you had any previous experience of severe sickness after anaesthetics?’
‘YES – really sick after caesarean and more recently after this op.’
‘Right answer, Nicola’ she said – ‘let’s prescribe this for you.’ Hoorah – let’s now hope this drug is as effective as they report. I will give you my verdict as things evolve!

Next, a plan for the chemo which is as follows –

FEC–T =
Fluorouracil (5FU), Epirubicin, Cyclophosphamide – three/four doses, once every 3 weeks.
Taxotere – three/four doses, again once every three weeks.
All given intravenously in hospital.

So, I told you – lots of unpronounceable sickening sounding drugs – jeez, I’m surely in for a rough ride once they’ve fired this into me! And, apparently, if I have managed to hold onto any hair after the doses of FEC then the T will see to it that it’s all gone! Great. Plus, the list of side effects was hugely bleak and daunting. So long that I haven’t even finished it. Can’t bear it so I gave up reading! Can you tell I don’t want to do this? In fact, that’s what I told Mrs O mark 2. And then the tears came. After more discussion of statistics, prognosis and the future, she calmly informed me that, due to my type of cancer, I don’t really have a choice. So, somehow, I have to make chemo my friend. After all, it is my weapon in this war. It’s hard though as I don’t have any warm feelings to it at all - but I’m prepared to work on it. Especially as this is my life for the next few months. Might as well make friends and try and make this a positive journey, right? May even make some new chemo mates, ha! However, still no start date. Grrrrrr. She is estimating 2 weeks till kick off so hopefully not long. Did I just say that? It’s weird as, on one hand, I want this to come around fast and, on the other, I don’t want it to as I’m absolutely terrified.

Then, homeward bound. Thankfully, we got back to pick up Tilly from school and to the welcome news that she had won every race in sports day. Hugely proud mummy!

So, onwards with plans… and it really feels like I am preparing for Dday – dentist, house cleaned, last supper with friends, night out with hubby, seeing family - check check check! And so it goes on. Typically, I seem to have everyone’s birthdays in July: Mum, brother, hubby and little Lila’s first birthday. Looks like Lila’s will fall right around first dose so I’m feeling sad about that too. Hey ho, at least she isn’t aware of what’s going on around her. As long as she gets food, someone to wave at and someone to read her a story, she’s a happy little bunny.