Back on the roller coaster again……..It's day 6 In the BB house! Honestly, it feels a bit like it…. A prisoner in my own home! Well F Hell, they weren't wrong with this one. I know they say ‘no pain no gain’ right? But this has taken things to a whole new level. And there was me being fairly confident on Sunday, feeling not so bad, thinking that just maybe I’d got away with it! HOW BLOODY WRONG was I? Doxetaxel we need to talk!! You're hurting ma bones, you’re cramping my style, but mostly you’re an unbelievable fierce piece of work that’s seriously knocked me down and left me to wither!
I’ve thought hard about how to explain this one but all I can think of is as they warned me……worse flu symptoms – aches and pains that would send a man to hospital! Coupled with shooting, electric pulses firing through my joints and bones, each one taking my breath away. Ankles, knees, hips, fingers, you name it. And today it hit my back with a vengeance. Crippled with pain this morning I gave in and rang the Dr’s, trying to hold it together on the phone, begging for something stronger than paracetamol and ibuprofen which is clearly NOT helping. Coupled with this my stomach has reacted again, making me feel equally loathsome, so back on the toast and manuka honey for me.
I’m well aware this drug is one of their major MF weapons against bc, so they tell me, but its killing me..... literally. The liquid fire is ravishing my body, leaving no stone upturned and taking no prisoners! Honestly it makes the previous 3 doses feel like a breeze. It's hard to breath, my heart feels week, circulation up the creek, night sweats, actually day sweats too, even my nail beds and eyeballs hurt! My body's being crushed and I'm seriously struggling to bounce back from this one. Amongst all this I'm trying to hang onto the fact that it must be positive, the drugs working its magic and will make me better. Its bloody hard though, especially now when it's 11.52 pm, I want to be asleep but instead I'm writhing around trying to get comfy, and writing away to try and distract from the agony. Sigh!
Tears and frustration come and go and I’ve resorted to chocolate, having just eaten a whole family big bag of Minstrels curtersy of Jo - yikes! Followed by half a bottle of Gaviscon….Bah! Sadly it doesn't look like I’ll be exercising any time soon either.... much to my huge disappointment. Even a gentle walk was tough on Monday, more like a stumble and a trip! Having all started on Monday I've now had 3 full days of agony, 3 days in bed, 3 movies, and more than 3 meltdowns! Please please let this be over soon, onto pastures new – surely by tomorrow improvement? As I’ve said many a time, I haven't time for this! It's miserable, and I'm the world’s worst patient at the best of times! So, dear side effects......please do one, be gone with you..... very soon. I've got school runs to do, people's to see and places to be RIGHT NOW Grrrrr.
Despite everything though, this has really made me thoughtful about the people out there who do this alone, the elderly, the vulnerable, and children. Honestly, I couldn't do it without my co-pilot and the sound of Tilly and Lilas chatter/laughter (ok and tantrums!) in the background. I’m so very grateful for my family right now.
On a slightly happier note – I gave my husband a good giggle tonight wearing the most ridiculous nightcap to bed – so glad someone can laugh at my expense through all this turmoil!
And b-r-e-a-t-h-e.........
Meanwhile, I’m off on a nostalgic, virtual flight around the world for some happiness, memories and escapism……along with some strong pain killers to try and ease into a restful sleep….bringing a better day tomorrow.
1st stop....Tonga - a special place where we spent lots of time during our childhood. Such infectious, warm, friendly people.
NZ - another place dear to my heart. Having grown up with family and friends this side of the world, trips were frequent and extended. Oh, the excitement when we drove over Auckland harbour bridge, climbed my favourite place - One Tree Hill - or admired the views of a real volcano - Rangitoto.
Victoria Falls, Zimbabwe - the most awesomely beautiful place in the world. We visited as a family and the memories have stuck forevermore.
The Caribbean - a favourite of my Father's, we were lucky enough to visit many a time: St Lucia (below), Antigua and, not forgetting, Jamaica for my 21st.
Morzine - I left home at 18 to set out on a huge ski season adventure here. Another beautiful place with fond, if not crazy, memories.
And final stop on tonight's journey - NYC - I moved here at 22 and can honestly say had THE most amazing time. Such a vibrant, inspiring, exciting place. Love love love!
Night night y'all xxx
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Thank you for taking the time to travel this journey with me.