Bittersweet

So, the end of the Summer holidays looms and Miss Tilly Clarke starts back at the village school very soon – Tuesday, to be precise. And boy is she ready to return after the last week of attitude and chat-back, testing our sanity levels to the max!  Yep, she’s definitely ready to return to her buddies and the excitement of class one. But are we? Are we ready to get into the morning routine again? The battle for eating breakfast, brushing teeth, hair, getting dressed, all against the clock to turn up presentably before you get the ‘look’ from the headmistress on the door. Mmmm, judging by the fact that Tilly awoke at 9am today and we had breakfast at 11am, I’m guessing that (logistically) that’s a no. However, emotionally and for mental health reasons, all I can say is: yes, yes, yes! And it’s only been a 5½ week holiday this year and I’m not totally sure I’m ready to lose my little girl back to the routine and dictatorship of school… but, equally, this has indisputably been the Hardest (yes with a capital H!), most challenging summer holidays we would care to experience as a family. We are officially broken, on the edge, shattered, damaged and almost ready for the white jackets! So, let’s throw in the towel and quit while we’re just about ahead methinks! Let the Autumn term begin!

Don’t get me wrong, there’s been some fun times scattered into the hard times too. We've made it through three treatments, had a holiday and given it our best shot trying to maintain familiarity for the girls as much as possible but right now I’m feeling that C has taken a lot away from our family. Whilst physically and emotionally crumbling at the strain the treatment has put on our day to day functioning as parents, I feel we have been robbed of the laughter and happiness that usually resonates around our lives and had it replaced with stress!. To start with, despite being eternally grateful to Wayne for being my co-pilot at home (I truly don’t know how I’d have coped without), it’s actually very tough being under each other’s feet each day. Some days we get into the groove and have ‘our roles’ and others it just goes to pot - usually when I’m not feeling too good or being particularly cranky! Plus, my confidence as a mother has been battered, generating more guilt than ever that I’m not able to give the children what they need right now. I’m constantly more agitated and defensive – a by-product, I guess, of the treatment and sleep deprivation - and feel I’m unreasonable to live with most of the time! It hurts on the bad days, knowing that I’m not coping with the children, having to turn on the TV that little extra for sanity, losing my patience and shouting. As a mother, this is not how you wish to be! I’m sure I am being hard on myself but it’s hard not to. It’s hard not to feel like you’re failing - especially when Tilly can pull on my heart strings so easily!

My dear Tilly, it’s surely not been easy for her either, having to cope with her Mummy not quite being on par, seeing the tears, sensing the anxieties and being thrown into life with a baby sister who wants EVERYTHING that she has and more! She now notices every call I have to take, the conversations, every email I have to write and texts that I send. She notices time that is not spent on her. On the one hand, she is so aware and, on the other, blissfully ignorant (I pray) to the troubled minds of her parents. Despite her trying mood at the moment (and who knows if this is connected with our situation or just 'normal' 5 yr old stuff), I’m so proud of her on every level, so proud of her for being her and facing the daily changes and challenges in our lives, keeping us on our toes – let’s face it, I’d only be feeling sorry for myself if she didn’t give me a reason to be busy each day! I just hope that this entire journey becomes a distant memory to her and to us all very soon.

We've also made if through what seems like the endless run of summer birthdays, trying desperately to celebrate as normal – which, I must say, is a strain in itself with chemo brain at its worst! Despite dreading mine this year, my birthday was a huge distraction, which brought back some of the happiness, smiles and love into the dark days, helping enormously. So, really, it’s hooray for birthdays - we’ll keep them coming for now!! Especially as we accelerate towards the big one, the princess of all parties, the final summer birthday…….Tilly’s 6th……The thought alone is exhausting! May I just add two words here……PARTY ENTERTAINER!

And so, whilst some therapy is almost a given for both of us, lol, some emergency attention is needed to a broken husband who is barely hanging on right now. It’s been hard on him, the father that gave up work to be a house husband for a week, our lives then turned spectacularly upside down by this god damn, unforgiving disease. He never really got a taste of being a house husband, did he? And right now he needs to be repaired, rejuvenated, away from the worries of his sick wife, demanding children and money/work stresses that plague him daily and keep him awake at night.  And so, he’s off next week for some sanity, some quality buddy time, a spot of surfing and coastal walking before a return to work for him is nigh. Bon voyage dear husband - wish me luck being a solo mummy to two. It’s been a while.

By the way, to this day, Wayne still jokes about the lengths I went to to have the summer holidays off with the girls… So, I guess my positive side is screaming about the silver lining of having this irretrievable time with them this summer (albeit car crash at times). However, I will continue to dream the dream about ‘life after cancer’ and how summer 2014 will bring back the happiness and laughter we so rightly deserve.