Friday 30 August 2013

Pass it on.

Its official - I need to squeak..... up and over 2000 page views since launching the blog. Very exciting to a novice like moi!

Wednesday 28 August 2013

A thoughtful Thursday......

One small step for Nicola.......Post 2nd dose

Ok, just having to take you back a little bit at this point..... Sorry - have gotten backlogged so now if I can transport you all to post 2nd dose, August 1st.....if you please.

I can't tell you what an immense improvement the 2nd dose was. A little tweak with the sickness medications and a new friend added into the mind-boggling concoction of drugs and my goodness - what a result. The day of the treatment was rough, again, and I fell into bed soon after arriving home. Then, upon waking the next day, opening my eyes, I just waited for the nausea to hit, and waited and waited until I realised I felt ok! I got up, had breakfast (big result in itself) and played with Lila, slowing dawning on me that I could do this, it was going to be ok........ and most importantly it stayed this way.......NO nausea. Fan-bloody-tastic! Vision and clumsiness much improved too. I guess I wasn't exactly feeling dynamite but a monumental relief for sure. Plus, once the nausea had been taken out of the equation all the other side effects became so much more manageable and life didn't seem too different this time. The insomnia was hard - a week of waking up at 2-3ish and not going back to sleep but I am trying to learn to embrace it and use the time constructively (if its possible at that unearthly hour!) and not let it become too daunting. Anyone who knows me will know how rubbish/dysfunctional I am without sleep so it has worried me how I'd cope in the daytime with these nocturnal nights but I am continuing the cat like behavior of napping (oh the art!) when I can, which is possibly not enough though. During this time my brain feels pretty dysfunctional and I’m still caught out doing/saying scatty things, apparently not recalling conversations (much to the annoyance of Wayne)...... but surely I have excuses right? Lack of sleep, chemo frazzling drugs, baby brain (yep, still allowed until Lila 2 yrs old do you think?)......blah blah blah....excuses excuses!

So, this time round I was actually able to make plans thanks to feeling so much more human and we had a visit from dear old friends Darren and Sarah on the Monday, day 5. Therefore, first day out in public with headscarf, (not sure why but I am favoring headscarf over wig at this point - maybe still prickly head and Wilma not quite comfortable?). Deciding on a pale pink headscarf ('shock' I hear you say....pink for you Nicola?), I tied my trustee rosette knot to the side (yep - been a practising - think looks a little better than previous picture!). On reflection, I decided I was subconsciously paying homage to my wedding day hairdo of a side bun. Maybe? Possibly? Either way, it was nice to look at the wedding pictures again and feel a little nostaligic.......who'd of known 7 yrs on we'd be on this safari?



So, we met in a local cafe, naturally feeling a little self conscious but boosted by friends company, I literally stepped foot inside, with Lila on my hip, and a lady approached me and entered into a conversation that went a little like this:

'Excuse me, do you mind if I ask are you in treatment? I couldn't help but notice you especially with such a young baby'

Grrrrreat. That was all I needed! Trying to remain composed we had a chat about the difficulties of coping with children and granted she said some very encouraging words being 7 years on from her diagnosis and healthy but I then had to go to the loos to regain composure and blink away the tears! I guess it caught me a little on the hop. I truly must gain more control of my emotions. Haven't I said this before? Not sure I have any hope really with the constant turbulence going on!

Anyhow, a great day followed by the Cotswold's lakes, beautiful sunshine, such a tonic to have such special company around. Tilly had a ball in a canoe with Wayne whilst Sarah, Darren and I soaked up some rays putting the world to rights as we do!

The rest of the week was spent pottering around, doing local things and getting stronger to travel down to Devon ASAP to warm our hearts and souls after having to turn down our French holiday with the family, mainly due to timings and medical logistics (the medical team like you an hour away from hospital at all times which made me a little nervous plus not sure French vocabulary stretched to chemotherapy talk in an emergency....eeek!). A bit of a wrench for us both but just not possible so soon after dose 2, especially with rascal Lila in the car! So, thanks to the lovely Pittard’s Devon is a-waiting – and feels a little more manageable/realistic right now than a cross seas journey.

                     















Tuesday 27 August 2013

Yikes... such a technophobe!

As you can see I've changed the title of my blog, which was only ever a temporary one whilst I traveled further into my journey, seeking more inspiration. Ready to branch out now to a bit more traffic, I've played around with it and would love some feedback. Does it sound better? Or too wordy? Should I go back to original? Plus.... changed picture to beautiful butterfly in garden and picture shrank! Any help would be very grateful on how to enlarge it again! Thanks y'all. xx

P.s anyone struggling to leave comments feel free to email.

Friday 23 August 2013



Lovely people, just briefly checking in with you all. I've so much to write and catch up of late, life btw 2nd and 3rd dose, Devon hols, children and generally natter chatter but feeling like someone reprogrammed my brain right now after 3rd treatment and steroids making me a bit loopy again....eeek! Surely not helped by a shouty, teething, demanding 1yr old? Sigh oh sigh!


Just hoping I sleep tonight to ease the pain of venturing into my 41st year tomorrow. Thinking back to my 40th, I had a month old baby breast feeding continuously = not much celebrating and no party. Now this year, the big C again hinders my plans of celebrating so therefore I am surely due a double whammy party once this is all behind us right? One of the nurses in the hospital said to me 'its a good job we don't have a crystal ball to see into our future isn't it? Who knew I'd be in this pickle a year on? That said I'm still feeling positive about my 40's, hoping exercise is going to be paramount, a decade of getting fit, challenges in store, children growing up (not that I'm wishing it away but it's got to get easier right?) and hopefully some holidays that resemble holidays without craziness and stress! 

So with that in mind, I retire to bed, with low key, pleasant things planned tomorrow starting with a Birthday fry up treat - a first taste of sausage and bacon since diagnosis! Of course organic meat with home grown tomatoes (not ours I may add) and organic mushrooms to ease the guilt ha! Followed by friends over in afternoon.

So night night for now, see you on the other side, in my 41st happier year of life. xxx

P.s. Glued to the film 'The Beach' right now reminiscing about our travelling days, wedding in Thailand and generally being youthful, happy and fancy free without a care in the world......or maybe just a few! A damn sight less than now that's for sure. There's been lots of reminiscing of late, lots of giggles with friends about memories of our youth and generally being naughty ha! Our poor parents. So lucky to have so many old friends to share them with. Also, special times last week with NCT girlies reminising about our first borns. And sadly lots of thoughts about other friends, friends also having tough times at the moment. I Wonder why so many thoughts lately? Im guessing its something to do with my life right now and having to face up to the situation I'm in, growing older with friends new and old, plus having young, active children naturally makes you (occasionally!) yern for those heady bc years (that'll be before children NOT breast c!). 

Right, enough nattering and surely off to bed?!

Thursday 15 August 2013

Job done! - Weds 31st July

Hair has gone!

After a traumatic few days, on Wednesday I took a trip to Bristol Oncology Hospital to something called ‘HeadStart’.

In their words.....

'The HeadStart team are available on Wednesdays between 10 am-3pm to help and assist with head wear for patients experiencing hair loss. Drop in for advice and for a demonstration showing different ways to tie scarves. Hats and scarves are also available..'

In my words........

Bloody brilliant and so worth the journey. I went, sat down, cried - predictably - but I came out a different girl! With some lovely scarves, hats and creative wearing ideas. Not guaranteed to work but, hey, a girl can try! Furthermore, after the lovely, kind lady caught several clumps of hair from the back of my head (being a former hairdresser and BC survivor herself, she empathised greatly), she sent me off with strict instructions to shave my head that night. In fact, if I hadn't been up against the clock, I'd have found a place in Bristol to do the deeds there and then I think.

However, predictably, I continued to agonise over the decision for the rest of the day during a lovely afternoon out with Doha friends Alex, Tom et al while Tilly tried on all scarves and modelled the pirate look. Come evening time though, with the help of Wayne's 'gung ho' attitude ('yep let’s get this done'), we did the damage! I'm not sure who was more traumatised really – Wayne, I think, as I guess it’s not something you think you will ever have to do to your wife. However, after the initial gasp at the sight of the hair coming off, suddenly it went from tears to laughter and I felt instantly better. It was the previous days, watching the hair fall out, seeing the mess and making the G D decision that was all so bloody painful. Wayne did his best but we didn't quite make it to scalp because of scratchy clippers (and fussy Customer!) so dear Sarah was coming to finish it off the next day. 

And so, I never made it to treatment two with my hair but ventured out in a headscarf and actually felt fine - much less bothered than I thought. In fact, quite liberated to say the least! 

And this, my friends, is the end of the ‘hair falling out’ saga! No more chatter about this from now on. 'Huzzah', I hear you cry. Just one little ask though..... per-lease let the regrowth be less traumatic, ha ha!


Practicing the rosette/bun style. Although feel more like a 1950's housewife right now! Think gonna need a bit more time in the mornings Humph! 

Perhaps this is the way forward...??


And don't get me started on the cold head at nighttime! Although nothing that a wee willie winkie hat doesn't solve. Oh the passion! 

C whisper: Be prepared, the hair doesn't shrink away slowly, but falls within days. Quite a shock really. Definitely organise your wig before hair loss – it gives you peace of mind and saves you from racing around feeling 'green' and tired. 

Plus, a little skin note: the chemo seems to dry you to the bone - from the inside out, feet upwards, so my advice is to moisturise heavily. I can't thank my aunt Tessa enough for the REN rose facial oil I use daily - highly recommended. After all, a girl needs to try and retain a little youth after this gruelling treatment. Plus, rescue remedy lip balm - a must!





Monday 5 August 2013

Race for Life - 21st Sunday July

A bit behind time but never the less important writing.....


So this year, I had every faith that, for the first time in my life, my running would good enough to try the RFL 5k. Some time back in Feb/March, Amy and I made a verbal agreement to run together (surely I was mad anyway as she’s such an effortless, graceful runner!). Sadly, lo and behold, C put the kibosh on that. How ironic! SO, with plans up in the air as I didn’t know where I’d be with treatment etc, I sat tight to see what unravelled as the weeks went by. It soon became clear that, due to the op, my running was suffering greatly so my participation was looking quite unlikely – plus, it so happened that the RFL fell after my first chemo dose. Rats!

Meanwhile, since my diagnosis, five lovely friends in the village had decided to take part in events: Katherine and Ber were training to run the RFL and Tash, Becky and Jane intended to walk the course. In the end, all the girls decided to team together on the day and walked as a gang with their daughters, Tilly’s school buddies: Teya, Sophie, Ellie, Niamh, Daisy and her 3 year old sister Lauren (who bounded along!). 

So, my plan was to wait to see how I felt on the day – hence, Tilly and I decided it best she came to watch rather than participate.  10 days post dose, I’m happy to say that I managed to participate thanks to the gentle pace and a well-timed break in the heatwave.  Plus, Tilly, Lila, Wayne and Amy’s family (Amelia, Jemima and Ed) were cheering us on at the finish line. It was an honour, a delight and an overwhelmingly emotional experience.  I'm so glad I achieved it with such special friends, little 3-5 year old legs and with so much fun and laughter involved. What an amazing team – and the same goes for the thousands of dedicated women committed to making a significant change to the future of this god awful disease. As the saying goes.....'C, we’re coming to get you!'

This year, sponsorship went out of the window as I wasn’t able to commit until just before the event but, next year, I'm SO running this and I'm SO coming to get you for sponsorship – eeek, watch out! (Any running companions are most welcome.)

I’m happy to say that Ber and Katherine didn't waste their training efforts – they ran a 5k race the day before in a staggering time of 31 mins. Such a great effort for first time runners. I'm also so pleased to report that Amy teamed up with Pol (proper pro's) and ran the RFL in just under 30 mins - a fantastic effort. Go girls, go.  Love love love!

So, watch out peeps, when all this sitt is behind me/us, there could be talk of a triathlon next year, ha!  Oh, hold on, it’s actually already started…  Although, I have a lot of catching up to do with the runners… yikes! 

So, for now, one for all - and all for one.....