Cancer has bought many things to
my life already. It's also made me very thoughtful and distracted. It can become
very consuming at times and I often find myself lost in its strange and
traumatic world.
So, any excuse to write a list.
Some hopes:
I hope the length of time I
forget I have cancer increases over the weeks. One day, before surgery I found
myself grocery shopping, concentrating so hard on what we needed, I actually
momentarily forgot all about cancer. It wasn't until I was at the checkout and
I wondered why I wasn't at work and then suddenly.......dong...... it me like a bolt, again! But that short head space sans cancer was awesome!
I hope my family and close
friends are not too sad. I don't like to think of anyone feeling sad,
especially loved ones. Telling people my news is incredibly emotional but also a little nerve racking as you never know what their reaction is going to be - and, let's face it, cancer brings about some strange reactions! Telling my Brother was hard. Somehow I knew he would
take it on the chin but that didn't stop the nerves and emotions building up.
We met in Bath, he listened well and then he responded: "I'm so sorry Nic, this is just not fair. Hey, look at that top Ferrari over there!" Yay, Rupert. So grounded and caring. He oozes so much kindness and has
an amazing capability to be so practical in any crisis. Phew.
I hope my arm fully recovers.
Give me a caesarean over this any day. The numbness is hard, from the shoulder
to the elbow, like part of may arm is missing. From the experience of
caesareans I know it can take years to return - I am still numb around Lila's
wound. In fact, let's face it, I'm just one big numb! The lymph wound is sore
too. Not unbearable but enough to remind me constantly that it's there. I just want
to be able to lift little Lila again.
I hope my boob fully recovers!
'Big ouchie' as Tilly says. The scar looks neat which is my positive.
I hope I can run again
soon. Weirdly, I was all set to run the race for life in July. Now it
looks like it will be mid chemo boooo. However, big up to the village people
Amy, Katherine, Ber, Jane, Natasha and Becky who are running/walking instead. I'm so
proud and LOVE hearing the tales of the running training ha ha! I hope to be at the finish line to see you all come in.
I hope we can muster the energy, physically and emotionally, with the drs go ahead, to go to Scotland next week, on our pre-cancer booked holiday with some dear friends. Right now it feels like a challenge, 2 kids, 2 suitcases, a buggy, a car seat, a booster seat, 2 pieces of hand luggage - and I can't lift. Not forgetting this is all after a week involving 2 day trips (usually 5.30am start) to the Marsden - scans, results and meeting Mrs oncologist (Mrs O). No pressure bionic Wayne! Surely THEN on arrival we deserve a glass of wine?
I hope I stop leaking soon - perleeeease!
I bloody well hope I am cancer
free and don't have to face the trauma of surgery again.
Enough hopes? I could go on and on....but here are some fears to enlighten you ha ha.
I fear cancer. But I am not going to let it know! Aromatherapy, candles, music, relaxation, walks, therapies, family, friends and not forgetting blogging are all helping to soothe this fear so I can become strong and keep a fighting spirit.
I fear bedtime - nightmares of losing my hair, being riddled with cancer, all the cliches. I want my serene bedroom
back.
I fear the unspoken fears - death, dying and
morbidity. There, I said it. How far am I to brush with these fears? They are
there, they are real but I am trying to push them out.
Chemotherapy and Radiotherapy.
They put the fear of god into me. I am scared, frightened and wish I
didn't have to have them. I'm scared of losing my hair - every single hair! Although everyone
tells me it means the treatment is working. Yes, but I'm still scared! Plus, I have no idea about penciling in my eyebrows! Eeeek! Rachel? On a positive note - no extortionate fees for having highlights in the near future!
Despite the fears, I do try to remain positive. However, I would just like to say it's hard. In
fact it's just not possible to be positive every minute of every day. There
are times when you just can't muster it - you're tired and the fears creep in. Cancer swallows you up. That said, I am a positive person and I will try not to
let the negatives get the better of me but please understand if some days it's hard to smile.
So, yesterday was not so good. I failed
with my plan, no walk and lots of tears. By the afternoon, though, a special
delivery from our lovely neighbours - 3 (yes 3!) different indulgent desserts - and a visit from my new cancer mate, Jed, armed with a gorgeous garden pot, saved the day. Ha ha, old friends and I
have a standing joke about new mates. And Wayne is groaning at
the thought of new cancer mates. "Do we really have room in our
lives for more people?" he says. Is this a man thing or a Wayne thing? He
would happily not see anyone for weeks ha ha!
So finally,
one more hope - I hope I don't double in size from all this C kindness
No plans today, just some music and dancing therapy:
Favorite song so far:
Although Lila wanted this next one on
replay ha ha: Or was it just Wayne's special dad dancing that she loved?!
Plus, I did manage a walk (hoorah), listening to the most beautiful birdsong.
Who knew dandelions could be so beautiful? xx
No comments:
Post a Comment
Thank you for taking the time to travel this journey with me.