The trouble is.......

Thurs 16th May.

All my sentences seem to start with this at the moment. The trouble is………. I can’t lift this, it hurts, I’m so tired, I can’t do this etc. Even Tilly is doing it: “ The trouble is Mummy, I absolutely can’t walk up this hill as my legs are broken!”

So, the trouble is this bloody C thing is taking over my life! I’m trying to keep busy (whilst resting at the same time ha!) but I’m feeling so dizzy – as in scatty. It’s official, C brain is worse than pregnancy brain and I’m not even sure that went away so double whammy! I’m distracted, sleep deprived (way more torturous than a newborn) and forgetful (did I just forget how sleep deprived you are with a newborn?!) - I’m forgetting birthdays, plans/arrangements, even to answer questions. And I forgot Tilly’s homework, which made me feel like the worst Mummy. Oh, the guilt – I’m already feeling like I’m a rubbish Mum at the moment - so out of touch with the school and what she’s learning about each day (let’s face it, I don’t hear much from Tilly!). I guess it’s no different to working full time though. I forget to ask people how they are – I’m sorry. I’m sorry to my husband for not asking how he is. For not comforting him when he needs it. I have very little left to offer him. My emotions are all over the place. Sadness comes out of nowhere, engulfing, followed by tears. I can’t trust myself to talk to people in public without crying – in fact, dealing with the wider public is a challenge.  As for the school playground, yikes! – can I trust myself not to cry? Will I ever recover? Will my brain return to some level of normality? Please bear with me people whilst I’m living minute by minute, hour by hour as the big, wide world whizzes past my eyes. Sometimes it’s like I’ve got on the wrong bus and got a one-way ticket to C world. Let’s hope I can find my way home real soon.

The trouble is……….the high (from yesterday) didn’t last very long. I’m now feeling angry. Angry that I’ve had to have this god damn operation. Angry that I nearly got away with it – two lymphs, that’s all. Not that I want more - I’m truly grateful but it was oh so close! Instead I have a knackered arm and a lot of frustration from not being able to do much. SULK!

The trouble is……….we are on count down now. Two days until Scotland and tomorrow I have another trip to the Marsden to meet the Oncologist – Mrs O. And, for good measure, today Lila is teething horrendously and she’s been sick. Tilly wet the bed (for the first time in over two years, poor little love), my wound is still leaking (come ON stitches) and I’m still omitting radiation so haven’t been near the kiddies this morning. It’s all a little too much. But I need to focus on packing and somehow getting this family to Scotland on Saturday. You know today feels like C is a tornado (sorry for another weather reference). It picks you and your life up and then dumps it, misplaced and jumbled in an unknown land. Everything feels out of reach, disconnected and quite impossible right now!!

And lastly.... The trouble is I’m totally freaked out by the amount of people who have had or are currently being treated for breast cancer. Each person I talk to about my story knows at least one other person who’s had a diagnosis. And so many young women. I’m sure the latest statistics, when released, are going to blow our minds. Why oh why is this so common?

Sorry, this seems like a real rant. Tough day - Rah rah rah.

C Whisper: If you are facing surgery and it’s an option, go and stay with family or friends for recuperation after the operation. Trying to rest with children is tough – there is never any peace and quiet and it’s hard to hear others struggling to look after them. I love my children dearly but I am craving a little quietness, calmness, time to myself, time to reflect, review my life, take stock and process all the information swirling around my head. That said, the little imps are certainly a welcome distraction at times.