The girls

The two little lights in my life....how my heart aches when I look at them and wonder why they deserve to have their Mother taken ill.

Lila aged 9mths - blissfully ignorant and building a special relationship with Granny and my sister, Emma, during the days we are in London. She spends her days waving at anyone who will pay her any attention. One of the hardest times so far has been the brutal, abrupt stop to the breastfeeding she so enjoyed. Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful to have managed 9mths feeding for her but being told by a Dr to stop that day just completely destroyed me. As if the diagnosis wasn't enough, I then had to cope with the physical agony of going cold turkey, 2 weeks of hell - pain, cold flannels, hot flannels, cabbage leaves, ibuprofen, paracetamol, no sleep and boobs made of rocks. Then the emotional pain of Lila looking so forlorn, her big blue eyes constantly looking at me, wondering what's missing in her life, sucking her thumb and being generally sad for days. With her dairy allergy too, more stress over what to give her. But we did it. And she now takes her milk like a princess, little sips here and there, in her own time. Tilly has even been known to give it to her out of her porcelain teacups and Lila loves it! So, for now, she is happy again. And still waving.

Tilly aged 5 yrs - not so ignorant. Struggling a little with life. Apparently doing so well in school and saving all the emotional, behavioural stuff for her parents. We agonised over how and what we tell her for days. Finally, we decided less is more. So she knows Mummy is poorly with a sick booby and has to see the Drs to make it better. For now that is fine. We will address other issues as they arise. But life is not normal for her, visitors are in her house daily, constant stream of flowers, cards, etc. And presents for her. She now almost expects everyone who visits to bring her something - yikes! Tilly too is building up relationships with Granny and Emma but it is harder to explain to her why she is off to stay with Granny...... again. She is very good at making us feel so very guilty.

Tilly - "But Mummy I haven't seen you for so long" 

Me - "Don't worry darling, as soon as Mummy is stronger we are going to spend lots of time together"

Tilly - "But Mummy I will be too old then and have my own baby"

As hard as it is for me, I know I have to focus on myself at this point and remind myself that wherever she is she always has a BALL!!

C whisper: Telling your children about cancer and illness is such a personal issue and every family will do this differently. We were given a book:

Mummy's Lump - by Gillian Forrest and Sarah Garson

This was not for us at this point in our journey but may well help other families in similar situations.