Surgery

Today is D-day. Alarm goes off at 5am. the downside of the Marsden is the journey. I'm not complaining though - to me it is worth it. We leave at 5.30am, silence in the house, a beautiful sun appearing and the birds in their cheerful chorus. A silent but anxious journey, M4, M25.

Weirdly, I'm very in control of my emotions - just thoughtful. The formalities are done, I'm injected with radioactive fluid (as you do) and I wait on the bed watching everything the nurses do. Then the inevitable "Nicola, it's time for you to go to theatre". I fall apart, quietly. The nerves get the better of me and I have a tearful farewell to Wayne at the theatre doors and then just sob as I climb onto the bed. I'm sure the Anaesthetist has me marked - yep, another hysterical one, extra calming drugs for her! And then nothing.

It takes a long time to wake fully - I drifted in and out of sleep for what seems like hours. Then came the blow. The cancer had spread so they had to remove my lymph nodes as well. I'm devastated and cry... again. What a fucker!

I was oblivious to time though and somehow it's evening before we know it. The Anaesthetist certainly did his job, after theatre for 4 hrs I was stupendously knocked out from all the drugs. So much so we had to stay the night. Grrrrrr. This I was not prepared for. Well, practically yes (suitcase and all) but emotionally no. It was set to be the worst night of my life. Mentally scarred. I was moved onto a 4 bed bay, two of us recovering from surgery and two older ladies clearly suffering and having chemo overnight. Nothing prepared me for their vomiting, their coughing, their nightmares and sheer suffering - and, finally, their intense snoring. My friend had tried to warn me and advised me to plug my headphones in. I even doused myself and pillow in Lavender and sprayed calming spritzer all around but this didn't help (but might explain their coughing?!) Eventually, at 4am, I begged the nurse for some more knockout drugs. The Junior Dr was too scared to give me any more. All she could muster was 1mg (yes 1!!) of lorazepam. Why thank you! I was blessed with 45 mins sleep. Enough to gain my sanity again and be ready to face the day ahead. Not so sure about the future though.

However, despite my trauma, I cannot fault the care of the Marsden. An NHS hospital with a private feel (apart from the 4 bed bay). A visit from a massage therapist, Wifi, free personal TV etc. Thank you.

That said, we were still ready to get the hell out of there. The consultant came to discharge with their usual post op advice, plus instructions not to lift for 4-6 wks. Pardon? But I have a baby. Really? That's such a huge fucking deal. Double SIGH! More tears. Then (as if it couldn't get any worse) came the words that surely every Mother fears to hear from a medical practitioner: "And I think it very wise that you limit your alcohol to small amounts." Even the nurse made a comment - in his broad Scottish accent: "Does she have NO idea what you are going through?" Seriously? Give me a bottle right now!
Apparently, a recent pregnancy and 9 mths of breastfeeding weren't torture enough ha! Oh hell, is this the beginning of cancer changing my entire life forever? Lord.....PLEASE not the wheat grass. Green tea yes, wheat grass N.O!

So, now for the recovery. The hardest part being my war wounds. Before I was so well (which is definitely one of the oddest things about cancer), I could pretend nothing was wrong if I wanted. I was still running around and living a normal'ish life. Now I have a constant reminder something is not good. A constant reminder about the Cancer.

C whisper: 

1. To anyone who is unfortunate enough to spend time on a Cancer ward (or any ward I guess), arm yourself with supplies to ease the soul and calm the mind, enabling your sanity to remain intact. 

2. Get as much help as possible in place for when you come out of hospital, especially if you have children - and especially if you have your lymphs removed.
3. Shave your armpits and legs, wash your hair etc before surgery as that's all an unbelievable pain in the backside right now. A 10 minute shower took me 1 hr 10 mins. How can that be? Argh! What has happened to my life?

4. Have faith in your Dr.

5. Beg for drugs.

6. Get a god damn cleaner.