In the beginning.........

Firstly, I would like to explain that I am by no means a writer and I won't pretend to be one. I will leave that job to my lovely friend in the village (who will remain anonymous until I get the ok) - she is the writer and IS going to be famous one day. I am the girl who had to have my degree essays edited by my dear friend Sally! Sal, I promise I won't get you to edit this ha ha but feel free to point out my grammatical errors along the way! Lets hope my English doesn't let me down too much. In fact, maybe a spot of editing isn't a bad idea. Anyone? On a serious note, I am just trying to tell my story. 

Secondly, I have no idea about blogging. This is a learning curve for me so let's hope I improve with time. Let's face it, I should have plenty of it over the next few months. Right now though it's something I feel I need to do, it's cathartic, a way of getting all the swirling chaos out of my head! A way of communicating to loved ones, facing my fears and, of course, keeping myself busy.

I aim for this blog to be encouraging not sad. It will have facts, feelings, the highs, the lows but I hope it will also have positive energy, humour, inspiration, tips (C whispers - things I wish I'd known or things I've learnt along the way) and knowledge for others, especially for other Mums who may also find themselves in this emotional tsunami. I know I'm not the first mother to ever get cancer but I want to help get breast cancer talked about.

So I begin. A few weeks ago my life was calm(ish), happy and satisfying. With a 5yr old and a 9mth old things were busy but fun. That said, it had been a little turbulent trying to make life changing decisions..... Wayne was to become the house husband and I was returning to work full time, well almost - I'd arranged a 3pm finish on Fridays to give me a head start on the weekend. The lead up was hard, quite stressful in fact. Both desperate to establish our new roles, Wayne especially anxious about the impending change and wanting to get it right for the girls. It lasted one week. Our lives were then set to change forever with some shattering news. An unexpected diagnosis of grade 3 breast cancer seriously rocked our world. This was not in our 5 yr plan! This was not meant to happen to me. I've just had a baby for goodness sake. Isn't that enough to be going on with? Enjoyably, I have worked for the NHS for years...... and now I'm on the other side, a patient. Why oh why oh why oh why?

At the forefront of my mind is my family. My dear husband. Having nursed me through 2 ceasareans and the bereavement of my Father, hasn't he done his fair share? Doesn't he deserve a break? In sickness and in health - surely its time for the HEALTH part? And my poor brother, sister and mother. Surely we have been through enough? Mum - at the young age of 70 is it not time for me to look after you? Instead your daughter has called upon your mothering skills once again, just when you thought it was time to retire!

So, the story goes: lump (found by chance washing in shower), GP, referral, biopsy, ultrasound and mammogram, diagnosis.

The Biopsy was hard. Firstly, it's painful (although they numb the area, you are sore afterwards) and invasive. The machine makes such a loud kerlunk noise that you jump out of your skin! Secondly, I just knew there was something wrong. Seeing the lump on the screen (SO different to previous fibroadenomas) and the consultant radiologists skirting around the subject in her conversation. 

After the biopsy, I was then directed to a surgical consultant to be told "we are very concerned by what we have seen today." Really? Hold on........somehow things had gone from being a routine check up to serious shit in the space of 10 secs. Emotion swept over my body like a tidal wave and, before I knew it, tears were streaming down my face. Panic spread across his face - he now had a women crying in his room - what was he to do? Pull the emergency cord ha ha? No, usher me out to the nurses of course!! 

I could barely breathe, literally. I felt winded, blinded and shaken. I felt the ground giving way beneath me. So much so I had to be taken into another room to compose myself and discuss things with a female Dr. She was trying to be encouraging and reassuring but she couldn't say the words I wanted to hear - "don't worry, I'm sure it will be ok". I just knew deep down in my heart this was not good. The consultant even asked me to bring someone with me when I came back for the results. It was like he was preparing for the worst, like he knew.

The next week was a living hell. I couldn't sleep, focus or relax. I tried to work, keep busy but it was hard. I googled regularly - that was a mistake. I went round and round in circles, one minute so positive, the next fear and dread. The not knowing was absolute torture. The only positive thing was it gave me some time to research treatments and arm myself with a bit of knowledge, just in case. But how the week dragged on. Then, finally back for the results, delivered calmly by the same male consultant: 

Dr - "I'm afraid it's not good news. We have found some cancer cells in your biopsy."

Me - "Ok, do you mind if I get a pen and paper out, I think I may need to take some notes!"

Wayne didn't speak. I had tried to prepare him for bad news but he was in shock. And he remained that way for days.

So here we go..... This is the start of my Breast Cancer Journey.

Timeline so far:

10th Feb 2013 - A breastfeeding Mummy - Mastitis (or so I thought at the time).

Early March 2013 - Lump found.

8th April - Ultrasound, mammogram, core biopsy.

16th April - Results - Invasive ductal carcinoma ER (hormone) negative.

17th April - Stopped breastfeeding.

24th April - Royal Marsden initial consultation

2nd May - Surgery - Wide local excision and axillary clearance.

3rd May - Home

15th May - Bone scan, CT scan and surgery results.

17th May - Oncologist and scan results.

C whisper: So far I have learnt many things - after all, this is likely to be a long, steep learning curve - but I think the most import thing is to surround yourself with people you love, people who love you, warm people, kind people, funny people and, most importantly, positive people - they are invaluable.